theres some things on my mind this afternoon. Im sat at the kitchen table, outside its raining, the fig tree's leaves are tunring a pale yellow, the end of the summer passed and autumn has arrived in all its damp glory. I ve been thinking about friendships today, about what friends i have, about how tye are scattered across the world, the best of one, luckily for me i married, but the rest are flung far and wide, the two i love most dearly are at odds with one another. I dont think this will ever be reconciled, for the one is sitting where they sit upholding their positiion, and the other is unaware of the feelings of the other, or if they are aware have reconciled their feelings. Life ticks by moment by moment, and we all carry on with our days in blissful ignorance of the damage we do to one another, in our ignorance we hurt others and in turn hurt ourselves.
friendship is a wonderful thing, a true thing, and i wonder if i have it now, how strong are these bonds that i used to think were oak? Time can water these things down, the distance sure doesnt help, birthdays tick over and lives are lived, people mve though the drama of their lives and the lingering adolecent friendships dragged into the twenties in absence of material foundations get replaced by bricks and mortar, by bank balances, careers, lovers. Is there room in our thirties and forties for those friendships forged in the fires of a homone maelstrom? do those superfical ones that replace them become all we need. In times as these, as the rain lashes the roof, ben harper in my ears reminding me of times passed, i need the friendships of old more than i can describe, alas, they will never be relieved, nothing ever is....
I know i have 3 friends, 3 friends, after all these years, all these people that have come into my life, and out of it, there are 3 left, 3 that will do all they promised, 3 that will never judge, three that cause me no pain when i think of them, three names, that give me a sense of love when i think of them, three that will cross rivers and oceans for me. Facebook tells me i have near a hundred, i know, i just checked, near a hundred, bullshit. Those three are all i will i ever need. And i love them more than i love anything in this world.

it was late spring 1999 when i returned from bedford, free from the madness of the three years that preceeded it. this is when life began. Not sure what the meaning of the years prior to this seminal one was? I took off with eddie and if i could have my time over i would never have come back, still now the one moment sat overlooking the sun dropping below the horizon after a day in the waves, tight skinned, salt encrusted, shoeless and complete in more ways than i can adequately describe. Since this time i have been fighting for the same inner peace i once had, sat on that car roof. I lost something when i started to look inwards. I found some other things too, i found myself inside all of that, and that is of infintate wealth, maybe what i am searching for is not accurate. Maybe im not searching for some beatific solace, maybe i am romantasing a period of time and not in acceptance of what i have right now. For what i have now is timeless. We cling to moments, sepia toned replays of time passed play inside my mind, like some lament for something precious lost, and in doing this miss out on the glorious techinicolor of the now. And that is the mistake. The ultimate mistake, the mistake i keep on making.

I listen too much to the inner workings of this mind, listen to all its craziness.

When time slows down, when i get things in tune, when i accept the flow and let things drift i find all the peace i could ever wish for.