i have come to realise that the most important thing we believe me hold is the one thing we most need to let go of. nothing gets in the way of us fully living our lives in a meaningful fashion more so than our own ego. It lies dormant, always ready to pounce upon us when we least expect it. We believe ourselves to be magnanimous, to be doing ti all for the right reasons, we might even know this, but then, like a shock to the system, the ego pounces out of its cage rabid, and doesn not let us forget. It punishes us, and make us believe me don't count unless we have the commendation of others. we should know how beautiful we are, we shouldn't need others to point this out. We should know our own strengths and weaknesses and be glad of them, and above all we should thanks ourselves, we should praise ourselves, we should love ourselves, and we should be our own best critic. We should learn from our mistakes, should improve on what needs to be improved on and at the same time accept our limitations. Right now this ego of mine is the only damaging thing in my life. And i didn't even know it until two minutes ago. I thought i was working towards some kind of level of purity, i thought my spirit was stronger than it actually is. My spirit is weak, and tonight's experience only serves to prove that. The one thing i know is that i don't even need this elf love, the self congratulations any more or any less than i need it from others, all of it, ego bound. I just need to do, and then move on, do and then move on, a moment is only a moment for a moment, holding on is suffering, holding on to our past is suffering, seeking reward is suffering, the acceptance of such is a rose from a friend, beautiful thorns, blood red, and green. I envy myself, and i bleed. All i really want to be is breathe and be present for that moment. Holding on to breath, that's what's been going on, and it is stale inside of me, and with it goes the ego, and with that goes the needing and the wanting, and what is it replaced with?....space.....

I feel better now. I feel more centred. i hold no feelings of good nor bad to anything or anyone, i just feel me inside. or is this just wishful thinking? whatever the case may be, im on a journey, and nothing could be better.
The bhudda laughs his own reflection... im one step closer than i was an hour ago, i'm saddened and emboldened as i know the journey is going to be a long one. i've been stepping forward for what feels like an eternity, and yet i've only made a baby step. (laughs again) thank you journal, thank you mind, thank you Clive... i wrote this to you and heard your reasoning, you acceptance and openness to what i'm feeling.