NOTE TO SELF
its evening, the day draws to a close, laura is sleeping, its where i should be. Last night was awful...
ina cold park, a boy of fouteen plays football with himself, his mum pulls up, she screams, you'll fucking do what i tell you, the kid stands up for himself, no i wont, well then, fucking go with X... excuse me...and people intervene, and so starts the whole ugly process of making sure the kids ok, where is he going to stay the night, is he safe, what are his emergency plans, whilst the mum makes plans with a smile on her face to fuck off in the car with her partner to sort out their relationship, she makes a choice, one she may very well live to regret for the rest of her life. In 16 days the kid with back at home probably, and maybe this will all be ok, but maybe not. But these cannot forget the sight of a fourteen year old kid playing football with himself in a frozen park, alone, but not alone, because with every kick, with every minute that passes, we were on our way, and we will never, not ever let that kid be forgotten.

Some days i loathe my career, but then i gert philosophical, lets face it, its not my career that saddens me, its the world. The wordl is full of abuse, full to brimming with terrible things, frightened children, and all the other atrocities, the news feeds us images of war all over the globe, there's a fucking war happening in every other street. Only its a war where the concequences are played out over decades, over generations, sure, there are bloody skirmishes, but the wounds of this conflict lie much deeper, and last so much longer, it permeates. Im worng, all war, global or within the home enures the generation that fights it. And all of it is terrible. Its enough to turn one to drugs. funny that, it often does.

So are drus a problem? huh. Dont even get my started on all that god fearing puritanical bullshit, drugs a problem? drugs, abuse, alcohol, its a fucking symptom of a greater fucking evil, abuse, neglect, abondonment, the church, its leaders fucking school boys, the classes that hide the beasts, the school teachers, the eternally dammed,what chance have we got, who do we listen to? Where is the sense in all this, that goes on day by day. i know im not making sense now, and all this is just rant, but thats the point.

I feel now, as though i want to scream and punch and kick, and hurt and maim, every cunt, yes, i mean cunt, that has ever hurt a child, i dont want to ever see what i have seen, i want to undo this mind, and i am, i have and im doing so here, now. Should i even post this? ha! wow, i sound like a nut job, this has to be the least coherent entry i think i have ever made, but so cathartic, i feel somewhat clensed now. i guess the world is an ugly place and each of us has to try and make it a little better, stop for the homeless guy, DO give a damn, DO care, DO speack up, DO get involved, DONT be frightened. We make the world a better place by are actions, not our reactions.